Life and Death
Tis interesting what we think as we grow older. I've been pondering my life and it's meaning lately. In conclusion, I can only say that I did no great harm, walked softly, leaving no sign of my passing through this world and only 0.00000000714% of the global population will miss my passing. Two people will miss me on a daily basis for a while and only my wife will miss me every day for the rest of her life.
I spent my first 25 years trying to understand this world and 7 of those years medicating myself over my learnings. I spent the next decade trying to join the adult world through family and career only to realize that career seeking was a fool's errand. The next decade was focused on family and community with episodes of alcohol medication to fight life's disappointments. The last 15 years have been acceptance that mankind and my life have been meaningless failures and all I can do is try to mitigate and inform those who don't want to hear or learn. I quit medicating myself 15 years ago so I've endured life's disappointments straight on.
When I was 20 years old I died. My soul left my body and I experienced the sadness, then the regret of abandoning those who loved me, then the joy and freedom of joining the afterlife and finally, most importantly, the understanding of everything. Then I was revived. Of course, I forgot the understanding. But I don't fear death. I only regret that those who count on me, my grandsons and wife, will have to fend for themselves without my help and protection. I've done all that I can. But I'm certain God will look after them as He can.
How did I perform? At times very badly. Mostly I tried to do the right thing. In the end, I walked softly and left no mark of my passing. Mostly, when I really tried to make a difference I was promptly knocked to the ground to put me in my place. My few successes benefited children or the weak. I never sought fame or notoriety and history will not record them. But God saw them.
My life had no meaning in the bigger scheme of things. Only in small things. Moments really. As I wrap it up I'm trying to recall what mattered and do more of that as I pretend to be an employee, husband, father and grandfather. I only pretended you see. I was never good at any of these roles. In the end I'm not surprised that my life had no meaning because I never really had any meaning for it. I just stumbled along day to day, pretending one moment to care but mostly just killing time until time was gone and I return to the afterlife.
Mostly I've felt that I never belonged here. I'm just an observer of a ridiculous existence that, if it has meaning, will only become clear after I'm out of it. When I died there was a beginning of understanding that made the previous 20 years of life worthwhile. But the answers were random with no overall summary or conclusion.
And there was no ancestors, angels or God yet. Just total energy, direction upward and answers. Perhaps that IS God. I don't know.
Although my mother signaled her passing I have no expectation of meeting her in her earthly form in the afterlife. Nor any earthly form I've ever known. I only expect understanding. Recollection of this life with the understanding? I don't know. Paradise? Hell? I don't know. Absorption of my energy seems likely. To what end? I don't know.
So these are my boring musings that about three living people will read. My life had about no meaning that I can understand while living. Perhaps there will be understanding once I've gone back to whence I came. Remember, matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed, only altered in form. I've been an altered form visitor for a short while, soon to return to infinite form with pieces of information that even I don't understand.
I'm pre-staged and in the chute now. Timeline unknown but the end clear. I'm living for just today now, one day at a time. My days of stumbling and pretending are numbered. How many? Who knows? Not me. I'm not sad or distressed. I enjoy each opening of my eyes and make the best of it.
I spent my first 25 years trying to understand this world and 7 of those years medicating myself over my learnings. I spent the next decade trying to join the adult world through family and career only to realize that career seeking was a fool's errand. The next decade was focused on family and community with episodes of alcohol medication to fight life's disappointments. The last 15 years have been acceptance that mankind and my life have been meaningless failures and all I can do is try to mitigate and inform those who don't want to hear or learn. I quit medicating myself 15 years ago so I've endured life's disappointments straight on.
When I was 20 years old I died. My soul left my body and I experienced the sadness, then the regret of abandoning those who loved me, then the joy and freedom of joining the afterlife and finally, most importantly, the understanding of everything. Then I was revived. Of course, I forgot the understanding. But I don't fear death. I only regret that those who count on me, my grandsons and wife, will have to fend for themselves without my help and protection. I've done all that I can. But I'm certain God will look after them as He can.
How did I perform? At times very badly. Mostly I tried to do the right thing. In the end, I walked softly and left no mark of my passing. Mostly, when I really tried to make a difference I was promptly knocked to the ground to put me in my place. My few successes benefited children or the weak. I never sought fame or notoriety and history will not record them. But God saw them.
My life had no meaning in the bigger scheme of things. Only in small things. Moments really. As I wrap it up I'm trying to recall what mattered and do more of that as I pretend to be an employee, husband, father and grandfather. I only pretended you see. I was never good at any of these roles. In the end I'm not surprised that my life had no meaning because I never really had any meaning for it. I just stumbled along day to day, pretending one moment to care but mostly just killing time until time was gone and I return to the afterlife.
Mostly I've felt that I never belonged here. I'm just an observer of a ridiculous existence that, if it has meaning, will only become clear after I'm out of it. When I died there was a beginning of understanding that made the previous 20 years of life worthwhile. But the answers were random with no overall summary or conclusion.
And there was no ancestors, angels or God yet. Just total energy, direction upward and answers. Perhaps that IS God. I don't know.
Although my mother signaled her passing I have no expectation of meeting her in her earthly form in the afterlife. Nor any earthly form I've ever known. I only expect understanding. Recollection of this life with the understanding? I don't know. Paradise? Hell? I don't know. Absorption of my energy seems likely. To what end? I don't know.
So these are my boring musings that about three living people will read. My life had about no meaning that I can understand while living. Perhaps there will be understanding once I've gone back to whence I came. Remember, matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed, only altered in form. I've been an altered form visitor for a short while, soon to return to infinite form with pieces of information that even I don't understand.
I'm pre-staged and in the chute now. Timeline unknown but the end clear. I'm living for just today now, one day at a time. My days of stumbling and pretending are numbered. How many? Who knows? Not me. I'm not sad or distressed. I enjoy each opening of my eyes and make the best of it.
posted by lugh lampfhota at 12:22 PM
2 Comments:
I've been reading your blog for awhile now. Don't recall how I came across it, but it made enough of an impression on me to save the link and then revisit from time to time. I haven't always agreed with your point of view, but always found it at least interesting if not thought provoking. I've considered leaving a comment in the past, but up until this entry just never had gotten around to it.
Although there are subtle differences in our life experiences...I've not had a near death experience....I could've wrote most of this entry myself based on my life, albeit not as eloquently.
The main difference seems to be that you are somewhat at peace with whatever the rest of your life brings, while I, after the past several years of high stress and sorrow, including being unemployed and seemingly unemployable since May of '09, have reached the point where I've had enough and I'm ready to call it quits. I have no future it seems, I'm basically enstranged from my kids, although I'm not sure why and I am basicially emotionally and mentally drained to the point that each day is just a series of painful moments that I rather not continue to experience.
I know it sounds stupid and melodramatic but without some joy in living there is no life, only existance. Even though for now I continue to try and hold on, hoping for some kind of miracle, each day brings more despair and fear as, like you, I watch the world around us desend into chaos, along with my own little world. After working hard all my life the thought of ending up homeless and eating from garbage cans is becoming more frightenly possible than I care to think about.
So yeah, anyhow, good post, it hit a nerve. I'll continue to read your postings as long as I'm around. No telling how long that'll be...maybe a week, maybe a month, I really dunno.
Good luck to you in the rest of your life.
Tc
Tom,
Been there done that. But I had a grandson and angels that gave me hope. I interviewed for the job I have now 3 weeks after losing the job I had but it was 9 months until I got the offer and started work. Being unemployed was everything you described. I turned my back on the world's troubles and stayed busy focusing on job opportunities, my network and projects that didn't cost much. I prayed.
I went through a similar experience in 2000 when an employer went balls up. It prepared me for the 2008 collapse. But in both cases angels swirled about me and God created a path, sometimes out of nowhere.
Pray, live the day, seek the moment and don't fear anything. God never gives us more than we can handle, even the end.
I'll pray for you. Good luck with the rest of your life too.
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